Phoenix Stories

I'm Back

2010-08-24T22:48:00.002-04:00

I am glad to be with the blogging community once more with this blog. I haven't had any comments, but that is okay. I will still write. I am at a point now in my journey that I hunger to hear the voice of God on a daily basis for all the things in my life. I want to pray in the Spirit. I want everyone at the Goddard school to be saved. I want more of His presence. I want things that only God can accomplish. And He will. I talked with my younger brother Paul this past Sunday and we talked about our Dad and the changes he's going through. All the pain he caused the family in the past is healed in me and seems to be in Paul, too. I love my Dad more now than when I was home. I can love him without condition through the healing love of Jesus. This is one of the greatest things that have happened in my soul. Forgiving my parents and loving them with God's love. I believe God will heal all six of us. I believe He will heal and save all of my extended family. This is work only He can do. Hallelujah! I praise His Name forever and ever. Amen.

Flying Over the Edge

2010-01-22T22:46:00.004-05:00

At the first small group meeting in Living Waters, I had a picture to share. I was standing on the ledge of a cliff, looking out over the vast emptiness of space. I was contemplating whether to jump and trust that I would fly or go back and never find out. What did this mean? I was faced with taking my writing to another level and I was full of fear. I feared rejection of me and the things I had written. I had little confidence that anyone would like the writings. Yet something was pulling me away from my comfort zone and begging me to soar. After a few months I was ready to jump and trust God to hold me up and make me soar. I could picture myself flying, soaring into a place where no fear could paralyze me.This was years ago and I now have a book published that folks have bought and enjoyed. I'm teaching a workshop and facilitating a writer's group. But the soaring has not ended with this. I am destined for greatness, according to my Father. He has called me higher. Doubts poke at me. I question the value of my writings and if I'm doing a good job with workshop and group. Malcolm and I also lead a cell group. I'm definitely in a new place now and it's scary sometimes. But there is no fear in the Kingdom of God so I cannot live in it and serve God. I go back to where I started, my eyes on Jesus and my heart in His Word. He tells me that "they who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles;" Isaiah 40. He has eradicated that fear and given me wings!
My confidence rests securely deep in the heart of my Savior. I have no other strength.

The Power of Love

2010-01-08T23:10:00.004-05:00

When Jesus told me He loved me and that nothing could separate me from His love, He spoke right to my heart and for the first time in years, I believed it. This rocks my world. It's a source of healing I come back to when I feel rejected, lonely, or any other emotion from the old days of abandonment issues. It can be over the smallest thing, but I still need to be reminded by the Spirit how much He loves me and nothing could ever change that. I find my center in Jesus so I have the strength to walk through the most difficult circumstances. No matter how hard the enemy hits me, I have the greatest defense: God loves me. End of story. I fail, but I'm not a failure. I matter. I always have. These are the deep assurances of divine love.

Correction: Jesus is my BFF!

2010-01-05T21:13:00.002-05:00

I discovered I got the initials wrong on the last blog, but the thought is still the same. What does it mean, Jesus is my best Friend? It means there is no one else who fills my heart's needs to the overflowing. There is no one else who could have possibly died for my sins and made me fit for heaven. There is no one else who loves me thoroughly, unconditionally, and eternally. I have no doubts about His love, even when things get bleak or rough. I know that in the world I will have trouble, but He has overcome the world. I can talk to Him in prayer and He listens and talks back. I love Him so much. His Word is final; I don't need to ask anyone else, unless He wants me to. It's taken me more than half of my life to find a best friend. I want to enjoy the other half in deep communion with Him.

My BBF is Jesus

2010-01-03T15:04:00.002-05:00

Some years ago I spent a lot of time pleading with God to give me a best friend. I looked fervently around for one. I thought something was wrong with me because I never had one. I idolized human beings who I thought were the ones to be my bbf. In all of this I lost my way. I looked in the wrong places. I tried too hard and ended up with a broken heart. At the end of my two years in the Living Waters ministry, I asked once more with all the healing those two years brought in my heart. I was still asking! The answer was swift and settled the matter forever: Jesus IS my best friend. He has been all along. Imagine His pain as He watched me hop from one person to another, begging for a deeper relationship than that person could ever give. He had to clear away the garbage and give me a transformed life, a new way to live on the inside and the out. How sweet it is to be loved by Him, deeply, unconditionally, perfectly. Now I simply turn to Him when I'm feeling alone. He fills me up. Thank You, Jesus.

Full Circle

2009-07-30T23:55:00.003-04:00

I recently visited my birthplace of Omaha Nebraska. I went back to see my folks and friends. It was a sweet trip because I came there victorious, an overcomer, no longer imprisioned by the wounds I carried for years. I could freely love my parents and forgive them. I took a picture of a drugstore we used to frequent to buy candy and magazines. It was boarded up, the signs were raggedy and broken, signs of long term neglect. That speaks to me of an era that has passed. I feel a twinge of sadness, but it doesn't last as I look at the now and the future God has for me. It's all good.

Living Waters Ministries

2009-06-22T14:28:00.007-04:00

After my breakthrough, I was making slow progress to change. But there was still lingering sadness. I was very unhappy. A dark cloud was centered in my soul. I discovered that the wounds I lived with for years were festering and needed attention. God led me to a ministry called Living Waters, a ministry dedicated to the healing of sexual and relational brokenness. I was relationally broken because of the wounds I suffered early in my life. There God brought to light and gave names to those wounds and what was at the root of them. I had to fall before Him and acknowledge that I had a need I couldn't possibly meet. This acknowledgement was painful because I had to see the truth about myself and the relationships I had. I was seeking to fill my bottomless need through those relationships and it wasn't working. Before I could have healthy relationships, I needed to be healthy. The little girl locked up in a dark room inside me cried out to be free and mature. For the next two years, God took me through my ugly, broken places into the light of healing. After seeing my need, I discovered how passionately the Father was pursuing me for the ultimate in relationships, a relationship with Him that would be the foundation of all my relationships.

"If the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed." John 8:36

"There is no fear in love"

2009-06-14T21:59:00.004-04:00

I love this verse. It speaks to the very core of my being. God revealed to me that my greatest fear was not having enough. I grew up in an alcoholic home where money disappeared in gambling or the drink. Because of that, we suffered financially. That's where the fear began and it became my mindset for years. I didn't trust God because I couldn't trust my earthly father to come through. Distrust and fear ruled my life, so I was anxious about money and constantly worried where it was going to come from. That lead to massive credit card debt. We didn't have enough, so we needed to get more, even if it was credit.
God has done some powerful healing and that fear is surfacing less and less these days. I know He loves me. I know He will always take care of me and my family. When I'm discouraged, I go back to the Word given to me by my Father in heaven: "...Your heavenly Father knows that you need them (food, etc.). Seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things (food, shelter, clothing) will be given to you as well." Matthew 6:32-33. That is my rock. On that I stand, even if my world is crumbling around me.
Hallelujah, Amen.

It's Okay To Be Angry...God Still Loves Me

2009-06-11T21:56:00.006-04:00

One of the first things I felt that February day was an explosion of anger. All of my Christian life I thought anger was an unacceptable emotion, so I suppressed it. Well, the energy had to go somewhere and soon there was nowhere for it to go but out.
I discovered I was angry at my husband's chronic illness. I didn't want him to be weak and dependent. The illness was stealing his life, I thought. I wanted him to be strong to take care of me and keep me safe. I wanted him to be like every other husband who could take long walks and enjoy the things couples did together. I held all of that in instead of dealing with it. The consequences were devastating emotionally. After the devastationI was able to share these feelings and find validation that it was a normal state of mind for someone with a chronically ill loved one. The validation opened the way for me to find the peace of acceptance and trust.
I learned over the years following that the burdens and needs of my family are not mine to carry but God's. I didn't have to bear them and try to fix them myself. I didn't have the power, nor was it my job. Mine was to trust Him with each one of them. God will always take care of us.
"Come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:20
"Cast your anxiety on Him because He cares for you." 1 Peter 5:7

One Day in Feburary

2009-06-10T21:59:00.003-04:00

One day in February of 1995, my breakthrough to healing came. Before that day, in December of 1994, my husband Malcolm, who suffered from Multiple Sclerosis for several years, had been hospitalized for three weeks with the worst attack he'd ever had. While in the hospital he contracted blood poisoning and almost lost his life. During the hospitalization, I tried to keep my life and the lives of our three young children "normal" even though it was far from normal. I kept my tears and my pain to myself, putting on a "strong" front. But inside I was fallling apart. Malcolm was released from the hospital in early January and needed a lot of after care. I buckled down and did what I needed to do to help him. Then the day came when my emotions began to move closer to the surface, like a volcano near to eruption, until I lost all control and wanted to die. I landed in a psychiatric hospital. That was the day my real life opened up and I was able to see how wounded I was. Though what happened to me was called a "breakdown", I label it now my breakthrough into the light of healing. I had many layers to go through to find the root cause of all that lead up to this. I also had to go back to the day I was born to understand how I got to this point. These were not easy tasks, nor did they take a short amount of time. True, deep emotional healing is not a quick fix, to be sure. But now as I live out of a healthy soul, I sing God's praises and say it was worth every minute.
"The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing." Zephaniah 3:17.

The Father's Pursuit

2009-06-09T22:24:00.004-04:00

In the beginning of my journey to healing, I needed to connect with God. When I trusted Christ, the eternal connection was forged. What I didn't see at the time was my heavenly Father's relentless pursuit of me until I became His child. That pursuit didn't stop the day I got saved. He pursued me for years to bring me to a place where I was ready to accept healing. He saw the burdens I carried, the pain and loneliness I lived with, and the deep sense of personal failure I held onto. Even as I prayed, sang, worshipped, and studied His word, I felt worthless. I was a good Christian. I dressed right. I said the right things. I took care of my family. I gave myself to service. I wanted with all my heart to please God. Yet, underneath all of that was a darkness and sadness so deep, I wasn't even aware they existed. I was a prisoner of my wounds. God pursued me for years until I was ready to turn to Him and face the truth of what was really going on inside of me. That was the first step to healing.
"How great is the love the Father has lavished on us that we should be called children of God." 1 John 3:1

The Phoenix Chronicles

2009-06-08T19:00:00.003-04:00

The title of my blog has been taken from my first published book, The Phoenix Chronicles. It is a collection of short stories about women who are on difficult journeys and how they rise from them through the love and mercy of God. You can purchase your own copy at: www.xlibris.com/thephoenixchronicles or email me at crbrockton@comcast.net.

I hope you will feel free to add your own journey for the blessing of others.

You Are Loved

2009-06-08T18:46:00.006-04:00

When I became a Christian over thirty years ago, I brought with me the heavy baggage of self-hatred. I accepted the fact that God loved me in an intellectual way. It wasn't until many years later that I began to believe with my heart. To this day, nothing has shaken that belief loose, not even the worst of circumstances. The words of Romans 8: "Who shall separate us (me) from the love of Christ?...I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, the present or the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, not anything else in all creation, shall be able to separate us (me) from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus." (vs. 35;38-39) Hallelujah! Sharing my journey with the world is one of my greatest pleasures because then all can see the transforming power of love and forgiveness. Praise His Name.